Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Addictions and CoDependency in the Relationship.

Men - Addictions and /or bad Habits .

How many of you girls have been dating or are in a relationship with a man that has some type of addiction? In my case I have dated some quite interesting ones. I remember going out with a guy who at the beginning seemed perfectly fine. Until I went to his house for a dinner with his sister (who was his roommate at the time). Of course he took me there for two reasons, one he was looking for his sisters validation and two, well I am sure you already know that one...
He was a chef, a pretty good one and he wanted to impress me with his cooking. So I gave him the complements he was fishing for. However I did realize that my validation didn't seem to be enough for him. He started acting out in weird ways. His sister was constantly excusing his behavior but I knew right there that something wasn't right. Later on in the "relationship" I found out that he had a major problem with alcohol and of course, women. I learn in our short time together that he only cared about his own feelings, his own problems and worries. He did not ever want to be there for me or even hear my pain. The good news is that I left him, it wasn't easy because I was already bonded to him. Yes, you are right... I bonded with the wrong guy, a mistake I had to make at that time.

The reason why I have shared this history with you, is because I want to remind you that there is always signs from the beginning in a relationship. Men will always tell you in the first 30 minutes of knowing you, what they are all about. If we miss the signs I can guarantee you that we will pay the price in the long run.

Now, lets say for instance that you happen to be dating a guy that has an addiction. Having an addiction means that, he has a relationship with that addiction. His addiction is his best friend. His  addiction has became his most important priority and without it, he can't function. His brain craves the addiction. Addictions also come in pairs, where there is an addiction there is always some other ones clustered with it. In other words, addictions are also linked with sex, porn, compulsive masturbation, gambling, strip bars,  etc.

When a person becomes addicted to mind-altering drugs, it is because they are looking for some  validation and to also escape from pain. Pain that he or she is carrying from disappointments, frustrations, etc. A person with an addiction, is a person that doesn't want to face reality, the reality of the up and down of life. He or she wants to stay in their fantasy world where rejections doesn't really exist. The addiction gives to the person the impression of always being there for him/her when no one else is. The addiction became their companion. They both are pretty much facing the world together. Without the addiction, the person feels naked, no place to go, no place to be.

These types of people need a lot of attention, a lot of reassurance and lot of love. It is all about them. Now, you as a woman need to come to terms with it, if this is something you want for you. You see, a man under any type of addiction loses his rationality and he becomes more feelings centered. He wants to be taken care of, he wants you to be his savior, his mother, his lover, his best friend, etc. However they will not be there for you when you need them because they can't be. The guy you are dating is not the real person, he is not in his real mind set. He is helpless.
Women who date these types of men, are also damaging themselves. Nature didn't make women to be masculine and act as the protector of the relationship. Most women that are adopting this role, end up suffering some type of sickness. The body will show the signs sooner or later.

So what is the solution? There is a way to change the whole scenario, however you won't avoid the pain of going through the process. You can either confront your partner in a healthy way, however you will need to know how to do this or stay in the relationship until the pain to stay is bigger than the pain to leave. Whether you decide to stay or to leave in both cases the pain is guaranteed. I really never advise to leave the relationship, I always recommend for the people involved to work the conflict within the relationship. Remember, if your partner has an addiction and you are with him, you are probably codependent too. Being in a relationship with someone who has an addiction made them being dependable on your emotional support, something that can actually give you a sense of power to begin with. So my question to you will be, are you ready to make the right changes to break the cycle you are in? Take time to think about it, because it is not an easy task to do. I can guarantee you, that as you make the proper changes, he will have to grow with you or the relationship will dissolve by itself.

You see, the guy you have got as I said before is not the real him. So if he cleans up his act you might not even like who he really is. At the same time, it might even happen to him too. So again, think about what is it that you want or don't want and take some positive action.

If you want to learn how to confront your partner in a healthy way, I can help you. Private consultations are now available on Skype and remember " Knowledge is Power "

Love you all.