The Secret To A Healthy Long Term Relationship

Relationships as we all know, are not easy, they usually take time to build and we don't really ever  have any type of guarantee that they will last.  A lot of people confuse the terms "relationship" as being intimate with someone and also what "intimacy" really means.
You can be in a relationship with a man and have no intimacy with him. Intimacy doesn't mean having sex with a regular partner. Intimacy means showing your heart to the other person. In order to show your heart you need to be vulnerable to expose your thoughts, your fears, your worries, your hidden secrets - in other words being able to be the real you. Most people are really afraid of it, for fear of being rejected, fearing to be seen in a different light. People will masquerade themselves behind an unreal facade just to protect themselves. Relationships then, end up in separation, divorce, affairs, etc.

To build a healthy relationship means work, means commitment, means responsibility for the people involved as a team. You see, in a relationship there is always three people, there is the two of you and the relationship. Everything we do, every sacrifice we make, we do it for the relationship. When we commit with the relationship and we keep our agreements, we are showing to our partner what real love is. In the process of growing together us a couple, there is going to be some disagreement, some frustrations, some difficult moments. These difficulties are there in order for us to learn to be able to adjust and correct things within the relationship. To do this, we must learn how to communicate with our partner in an efficient way, to avoid more friction. This is not an easy task.
The right way to do it, is to wait for things to calm down and then ask your partner sometime during the day, to discuss some important and delicate matters related to the relationship. Don't go to sleep, without having resolved your conflicts with your honey.
When the time is right, you will then need to be able to let your partner know what it is that you want or don't want in the relationship, at the same time you will also need to allow room for him to express himself too and then come to a middle ground together.

A lot of couple, want to think they have good communication in the relationship until they are confronted with a conflict,  then all you hear them do is intimidate and seduce each other into getting their ways first. The Relationship then becomes a power struggle, where they both want to be heard, they both want to lead, they both want to be understood and nothing really gets to be resolved.

The first thing you need to do when in disagreement with your partner , is to think how important it is for you to be right. If his approach is not something you would like to take in consideration, you don't need to fight back, you don't need to defend your position, all you need to do is ask him for another suggestion since the one he gave you is not really working for you. Let him know that you are open to other approaches in order to resolve the conflict. If this is not working for you then you are probably coming on too strong. Trust me, I also make that same mistake when I become emotional with my guy and I overreact, I sometimes just can't help it. Then after the fight is over, I will feel really bad about it. What I have learned about conflicts is that you are not always going to get it right but at least if you can control your impulses in the moment, you will be getting better results.
If you could for instant "Just think before you act, instead of reacting and then thinking" he would be mesmerized by your rationality. He will see you as an equal, someone that is able to control your emotions and be totally rational in the middle of chaos.

For Private Consultation about your situation, email me at elenaburnettcoach@gmail.com. I am a Certified Relationship and Dating Educator, with more than 15 years working with men. Learning from men.

Love u all.
https://www.facebook.com/Elenaburnettcoach

Addictions and CoDependency in the Relationship.

Men - Addictions and /or bad Habits .

How many of you girls have been dating or are in a relationship with a man that has some type of addiction? In my case I have dated some quite interesting ones. I remember going out with a guy who at the beginning seemed perfectly fine. Until I went to his house for a dinner with his sister (who was his roommate at the time). Of course he took me there for two reasons, one he was looking for his sisters validation and two, well I am sure you already know that one...
He was a chef, a pretty good one and he wanted to impress me with his cooking. So I gave him the complements he was fishing for. However I did realize that my validation didn't seem to be enough for him. He started acting out in weird ways. His sister was constantly excusing his behavior but I knew right there that something wasn't right. Later on in the "relationship" I found out that he had a major problem with alcohol and of course, women. I learn in our short time together that he only cared about his own feelings, his own problems and worries. He did not ever want to be there for me or even hear my pain. The good news is that I left him, it wasn't easy because I was already bonded to him. Yes, you are right... I bonded with the wrong guy, a mistake I had to make at that time.

The reason why I have shared this history with you, is because I want to remind you that there is always signs from the beginning in a relationship. Men will always tell you in the first 30 minutes of knowing you, what they are all about. If we miss the signs I can guarantee you that we will pay the price in the long run.

Now, lets say for instance that you happen to be dating a guy that has an addiction. Having an addiction means that, he has a relationship with that addiction. His addiction is his best friend. His  addiction has became his most important priority and without it, he can't function. His brain craves the addiction. Addictions also come in pairs, where there is an addiction there is always some other ones clustered with it. In other words, addictions are also linked with sex, porn, compulsive masturbation, gambling, strip bars,  etc.

When a person becomes addicted to mind-altering drugs, it is because they are looking for some  validation and to also escape from pain. Pain that he or she is carrying from disappointments, frustrations, etc. A person with an addiction, is a person that doesn't want to face reality, the reality of the up and down of life. He or she wants to stay in their fantasy world where rejections doesn't really exist. The addiction gives to the person the impression of always being there for him/her when no one else is. The addiction became their companion. They both are pretty much facing the world together. Without the addiction, the person feels naked, no place to go, no place to be.

These types of people need a lot of attention, a lot of reassurance and lot of love. It is all about them. Now, you as a woman need to come to terms with it, if this is something you want for you. You see, a man under any type of addiction loses his rationality and he becomes more feelings centered. He wants to be taken care of, he wants you to be his savior, his mother, his lover, his best friend, etc. However they will not be there for you when you need them because they can't be. The guy you are dating is not the real person, he is not in his real mind set. He is helpless.
Women who date these types of men, are also damaging themselves. Nature didn't make women to be masculine and act as the protector of the relationship. Most women that are adopting this role, end up suffering some type of sickness. The body will show the signs sooner or later.

So what is the solution? There is a way to change the whole scenario, however you won't avoid the pain of going through the process. You can either confront your partner in a healthy way, however you will need to know how to do this or stay in the relationship until the pain to stay is bigger than the pain to leave. Whether you decide to stay or to leave in both cases the pain is guaranteed. I really never advise to leave the relationship, I always recommend for the people involved to work the conflict within the relationship. Remember, if your partner has an addiction and you are with him, you are probably codependent too. Being in a relationship with someone who has an addiction made them being dependable on your emotional support, something that can actually give you a sense of power to begin with. So my question to you will be, are you ready to make the right changes to break the cycle you are in? Take time to think about it, because it is not an easy task to do. I can guarantee you, that as you make the proper changes, he will have to grow with you or the relationship will dissolve by itself.

You see, the guy you have got as I said before is not the real him. So if he cleans up his act you might not even like who he really is. At the same time, it might even happen to him too. So again, think about what is it that you want or don't want and take some positive action.

If you want to learn how to confront your partner in a healthy way, I can help you. Private consultations are now available on Skype and remember " Knowledge is Power "

Love you all.

elenaburnettcoach@gmail.com
https://www.facebook.com/Elenaburnettcoach

The Mama's Boy Syndrome.

What can you do if you happen to be dating a mama's boy? What are the chances that you could develop a healthy relationship with him, without having to deal with his mother complex?

Mama's boys are the type of men who have never grown up. These men haven't had a woman at the age of ten teach them that women, animals and things are not on the planet for his own pleasure.

They were pretty much left alone to do as they please. They didn't have any structure in their life and nobody taught them how to develop discipline or how to be responsible for their actions. These boys  have always had a woman picking up after them - they were not able to grow according to their age.

As adults they are constantly looking for attention and reassurance. They also usually have difficulties with delaying gratification. You would think that having had a mother serving them, these boys wouldn't have felt as rejected as they did. This is far from the truth because they were rejected the right of being supervised as their age requires.These boys will grow into men with a masculinity that has been deprived. They will be looking for women that act like surrogate mothers to them, in order to find the validation and acceptance they didn't have.

Dr . Dan Kiley in his magnificent book "The Peter Pan Syndrome" explains how if a potential victim of PPS can be reached before the sex role conflict is fully manifested (sex role conflict happens between the ages for 12 to 17)  the chances of constructive change are good. But once sexual inadequacy is repressed, narcissism and chauvinism follow.

If you want to know how to turn a PP or MB into a man, contact me for a private consultation at elenaburnettcoach@gmail.com For  more information, visit me at https://www.facebook.com/Elenaburnettcoach
http://www.youtube.com/702Elena 

Discover The 10 Things Men Want You To Know.

Hello World,

Here is my blog about what men really need from us. Only if you really want to keep him around. Check this out!

If you women want to keep your relationship with your guy, it is important that you understand what he needs from you in order for him to cherish you back. 

Most men have pretty much the same need - they want to be respected. They prefer to give up on love before losing your respect. Here are a couple of things women need to remember about what respect really means for men: 

1. Don’t give your opinion if he is not asking you for it. When a man opens up to talk, he is just sharing with you his thoughts, ideas, decisions, etc. 
2. Don’t interrupt him when he is talking. He will feel frustrated and close down if you do. 
3. Don’t tell him what to do. He will punish you with silence or you will get the worst of him.
4. Don’t ask him for more attention, more time, more sex. It will turn him off, he will pull back.
5. Don’t ask him how he feels. Unless he is sick!
6. Don’t question him. You are not his mother. 
7. Don’t compete with him. When he is mad it is better to let him win in that moment.
8. Don’t humiliate him in public. This is the worst thing you can do - you will hurt his ego.
9. Don’t criticize him with your friends. He wants your support. 
10. Don’t belittle him with your body language when he is sharing his decision or ideas with you. He will not share them with you anymore. 

For a Private Consultation about your Dating or Relationship Issues, Please email me at elenaburnettcoach@gmail.com. or visit me at , Prices are now affordable.
http://www.youtube.com/702Elena 
https://www.facebook.com/Elenaburnettcoach
Relationship and Dating Coach with more than 15 years working with men.
Elena is now helping women understand the heart and mind of men.